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11.29.2012

SOMETHING BROKE


Disclaimer...if you want to get to the good part...skip the first couple paragraphs. I'm lettin it all hang out.


In a good way. (Something broke). 


Since returning from Florida, I've been in a deep dark depression. I've hidden it pretty well from everyone except for my husband and daughter, and have taken 'it' out on them with anger and impatience. You can imagine how those relationships are going. Our son left for Afghanistan. He and his wife are divorcing. I love her like my own. We thought we'd found a house that we could afford in St Pete but it didn't happen. (We're thinking of being snowbirds...only opposite). I have all kinds of insecurities about the workshop I taught...and whether or not it was worth the time of those that attended. I was sick with the Creeping Colombian Crud for almost two weeks. Still not well. Barranquilla is SO...not where I'd choose to live. But - here I am. I've been thinking seriously about moving back to the States. When I think about it to the extent I have been, my heart breaks with the thought of leaving Sophia. 


I love her baby sister too...but that's another source of the depression. I've been guarding my heart a bit from falling head over heels in love with her in case we leave here. But that didn't work. I Am head over heels for her. We still don't speak Spanish. I don't go anywhere alone unless it's to my friends on Wednesday for our group meeting and I thank God for them. My hubby had a REAL problem this last year with living here until we went to Florida in October and he's come back with a better attitude after months of me preaching...."You can make yourself happy where-ever you are". After all, we can visit the States 2 or 3 times a year if we're careful with our money...which is what finally helped him. I think. Our new apartment is really great in so many ways but he lost his garage and my studio space is dark and hot and cramped. It makes me not want to go in there. I do NOT like house cleaning or cooking for that matter...so the house is dirty and I eat a lot of junk. 

That about covers it.



THE GOOD PART...

Sophia spent Friday through Monday at our house...only going downstairs for a couple minutes twice a day for her medicine. The kids were leaving for Bogota - on the way to Indiana for a few weeks and she didn't want to leave my side. We were cuddling in my rocking chair and I happened to see the almost full moon.


I showed it to her and as always we spent a few minutes looking at the great big sky out my living room window.


She noticed that the moon wasn't completely round yet. I told her that when she got to Bogota it probably would be. I then told her I thought it would be fun if she looked out her window from there and I'd look out my window from here and even though we are so many miles apart...we would be looking at the same moon. Then I promptly forgot about it.


Well, my Sophia didn't forget. I received a call from her the next night...from Bogota. She said the curtains were all closed where she was and she couldn't look out the windows. Apparently, she needed someone to help her. She told me it was freezing there and that Mommy's feet were too cold for her to get up. Mommy didn't understand the importance.


Well after I told her that I could see the moon from the window and that it was indeed full and for her to look out the northeast window...she pestered Mommy until she received help.


We then had the most beautiful conversation about how it looked and the stars around it and the fact that there were fast moving clouds here but not there...and it (our phone conversation) was so absolutely beautiful that I can't put it into words.


I really, really DO have so much to be thankful for and that's where I'm going to live.


I'm on my way.


Create your life,


annie!

30 comments:

  1. Sometimes it takes both hands (and a shovel) to find the ‘silver lining’! And sometimes it takes feeling depressed to appreciate the happiness. At least we live in a time of instant/multi communication. How lucky we are to be able to connect with loved ones even though we are far apart! (There’s that silver lining!) Big hugs from here!

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    1. Thanks so much Robin. The online friend 'thingy' on FB that I shared from you the other day...was in large part for you. You have become a dear friend. I 'sat' on the post for 2 days and then hit the publish button with great trepidation because as you know, I hate whiners...ESPECIALLY when it's ME! But as I'd forgotten, letting the crap out into the light...kind of diminishes it.

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  2. Oh annie!, so sorry you have been down. Sounds like you have now come to grips with 'how life is'..I do hope so. You know, the world really is a small place these days, we have ipads, computers, mobile phones...i mean (cell phones)! and Skype and Facetime, makes such a difference to distances.
    So whatever you decide to do, your family will always be near you, no matter where you are. And we all love you too...You are a joy to follow here and see your amazing fabric art. I am sure the people who take your classes have felt the same and have gained from and continue to gain from them, thanks to you. (I'll shut up now). ybf ann.

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    1. Oh please...don't feel like you have to shut up! :) I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words and yes, I have come to grips. As a matter of fact, every hour has brought more joy with it. I still have a way to go and big decisions to make...but the heaviness is lifted...in part...thanks to you.

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  3. so so sweet, such a magical moment to share with your beauiful Sophia.I'm so sorry you are down, its hard to make people understand, maybe you need more time away, when Sophia gets older she won't have as much time to spend either so maybe Sophia will help you through this, when its time to leave you will know, please be happy,

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    1. Laurie...you are the sweet one. I am a believer that I can make myself happy...and part of my problem has been that I haven't been...BUT I really do feel like something 'broke' or opened or something like that...and I'm feeling so much better. Thank you for your words.

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  4. Oh honey, the bad part at the beginning is what makes you the full Heart - full person you are. It must be so hard to have to make such emotional choices...and money crap, well that just plain always sucks. I am so glad Sophia got Mom up and got the moon into the conversation. Classes, well if I learn as much as I do just from the blog, I bet you are freakin amazing as a teacher. Give yourself a big hug from me. My thoughts are with you.....xox

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    1. What a beautiful way to look at it. After all, the yuk shows me what I don't want...which really shows me what I do want. Hubby and I are being creative in making this all work out and honestly...I am happy most of the time. Thank you for your encouragement about the classes. I felt great before, during and after...but we didn't come near completing anything and...and...and...but. I love your hug and thank you for that too. Right back atcha!

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  5. I will pray for the change you seek. And good for you to look through the darkness to your blessings. Sophia - a little angel here on earth.

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    1. Oh she sure is Ramona. Totally knocks me off my feet...in the best kind of way. :) Thank you so very much for your prayers and words.

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  6. Dear Annie so sorry to hear of your black clouds but your relationship with Sophia is wonderful and to be treasured.
    Hugs from me and sending loving thoughts your way

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    1. Thank you so much Gill. I swanee...talking about it has helped SO much. And your response (and that of others) has made me feel much, much better. I do treasure our (Sophia's and mine) relationship...with Claire and my daughter and her hubby too.

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  7. Sorry to hear you're in a funk. It happens and it's completely underdstandable. I guess there are times when you just wish you could split yourself in two and live in two different places at once. It''s okay to feel bad, sounds like a tough situation to be in. Just because there's stuff to be thankful for that doesn't mean you have no right to be upset about the stuff that sucks. Hope you feel better soon. PS the full moon has been spectacular here too. :-)

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    1. Caatje...thank you for your understanding and your frank, sensible words. I'm so glad to have you as an online friend. :)

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  8. I will be thinking of you and Sophia when I look at the full moon tonight.

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  9. Annie, it sounds as if you are seeing the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I'd like you to know that even in the midst of despair, you light shines brightly through your art and here on your blog :)

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    1. Wow...thanks Kelly. What a great thing to see from all that complaining. I'm so much better today and honestly feel like I have such a great support system in you and all the others who took time to encourage me. Thank you.

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  10. I know just how you feel--I live 10 hours away from my daughter and granddaughter, and go every day to a job that I hate just so I have health insurance. There's never enough money, and each month I get further and further behind. It's easy to feel discouraged because it seems everyone else has more than enough money and time to do the things they want like take classes, workshops, buy everything new under the sun, etc., when I'm barely able to exist. At least we both have our creativity, and you have your husband--my ex has been remarried and divorced several more times! The holidays can magnify feelings of loss and depression, and sometimes they're hard to get through. But things will improve, I have hope and know you do, too.

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    1. Well, I certainly feel ashamed for complaining when I know there are so many who have it worse than I do. I wish the very absolute best for you and hope that your life will become easier and so much more of a blessing. I THANK you for helping me to realize that all in all...life is good.

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  11. Sending best wishes and clarity your way in hopes that more happiness in your life will soon abound! Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and wishing my sweet boy and I well wishes on our wedding day. I think having Annie as a friend...not to mention her amazing jewelry...just made the day perfect! I've posted a picture wearing her creation....more to come soon. Take care!

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    1. Thank you SO much Chandra. Happiness in my life has already increased exponentially in just one day. My online 'support group' has been invaluable. Annie is awesome and I'm going to look at your blog now. Can't wait!

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  12. Isn't it funny how something so simple as looking at the moon with a grandchild can change your heart in a second? I'm glad that you are getting out of your depression. Be well my friend! Adriann ♥ xoxo

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    1. Knowing that she was there in Bogota...thinking about what I'd said...and then calling me just made me realize that I've been focusing on junk and not being grateful. I have so much to be thankful for. You're one that I thank God for.

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  13. Being ill makes everything look so much gloomier. I trust that as you feel better each day you will regain your perspective.

    Your story about sharing the moon with Sophia made me smile. I just had a conversation with my husband about how cool it was that you and I were essentially in the same time zone give or take a few hours. It seems that Colombia is so far away on the other side of the world and yet I could leave a comment and get a reply in short order. We were sharing the same sunshine.

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    1. You are so right. I think the depression made me sick and the sick made me more depressed. But thankfully, I am so much better now. Thank you for thinking of me and for sharing your sunshine. :)

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  14. Season's Greetings Annie!

    I'm sorry for your struggle with unhappy issues, but I have that often, lol. I wish, for you AND me that those issues didn't exist, were corrected, or just gone. There's always hope.

    Thanks so much for sharing how it can REALLY be at times. Your craftwork is so excellent, and you are so advanced in what you do, that your tirade just shows that you are human, and more lovable, and just like all of us, afterall.

    You have helped me by baring your soul at this difficult and transient time. But you show what you are really made of with your uplifting and inspiring posts, which always motivates us. You have a joyful and happy spirit and seem to always be looking upward.

    Happy Holidays, Sandi

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    1. Oh Sandi thank you so much. It's horrible to get into such a place and feel like you can't climb out. I try to hide these times...usually even from my family and closest friends because I can't really get around the thought that it isn't doing anybody any good. I sat on this post for a couple days before clicking on the publish button. I just couldn't delete it. If anything, I'm real. I'm an open book and that was (and yes I did say was) the chapter I was in. I really, really hope and pray that you will have a beautiful day...which will lead to more beautiful days...until they're all beautiful. xxxoooxxx

      PS - I love your new picture.

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Yuckola. More than half of my email has been from anonymous, so.....